


Trash and Treasure 'verse

by Wearing Cardigans (Haelblazer)



Category: Glee
Genre: Canon Related, Epistolary, Fluff and Crack, Gift Giving, Humor, M/M, Porn, Season/Series 01, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-08 05:49:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5485925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haelblazer/pseuds/Wearing%20Cardigans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone leaves Kurt the gift of porn in the dumpster, where Kurt will find it.  Based on the pairing, it would be odd if that person were anyone but Puck, wouldn’t it?<br/>Originally posted on LJ July 07, 2010.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One Man's Trash

  
**Spoilers:** Season 1 Episode 1 “Pilot,” 2 “Showmance,” and 5 “The Rhodes Not Taken”

Kurt had lost count of how many school days he’d started off surrounded by a group of jocks just waiting to get their hands on him.  Granted, they were waiting to pick him up and toss him into a dumpster, but saying it the first way sounded much better to him.

\---

Puck wasn’t the inventor of the dumpster dives, but he had quickly taken control once he had the juice to do so.  He picked the targets, he picked the locations, and he called for the guys to move in.  Because he felt kind of guilty about sleeping with Finn’s girl, he used to indulge in his boy’s little sympathies and let Kurt Hummel take his jacket off before throwing him in.  Puck would grin every time the smaller boy tossed him his bag to hold, thinking about how funny it would be if he just walked off with it and refused to give it back.  Even when Finn no longer hung around for the dumpster dives, Puck kept letting Kurt take his little fancy items off, figuring it would keep the kid’s bitching down when they had to spend time together in glee club.

But the morning when Kurt showed up wearing a bright pink trench coat, Puck didn’t even give him a chance to reach for the top button before grabbing his arms and giving the order to toss him in, coat, bag, and all.

\---

As Kurt pushed himself up, getting ready to climb out of the dumpster, a brown box with his name scribbled on it caught his eye.

 ** _KURT_** it shouted out to him from the corner of the dumpster.  **_I thought you would find this here.  Don’t open it in front of anybody else!!!  (You’ll like what’s inside though :P )_**

Kurt eyed the box warily.  It wasn’t any secret that he spent his mornings getting tossed into a stinking pile of garbage, but he didn’t like the idea of people thinking this was the best way to get in touch with him.  And did he really want to open a box left for him by somebody who thought it was a better idea to leave something for him in a dumpster than to give it to him in person?

He reached for the box and shook it around.  Something knocked around inside, but it wasn’t heavy enough to be a dead animal or anything, so Kurt stuffed it in his bag and decided to have a closer look from anywhere other than inside a dumpster.

\---

Freshly cleaned, and locked inside the last stall of the first men’s room he’d reached, Kurt looked down at the magazines and DVDs that filled the box.

 _Stallion_.  _Clench_.  _Cut_.  _Tan Party_.  _Boys With Toys 8_.

What was it about him that people kept giving him porn?!  Okay, April Rhodes had really just given him muscle mags, but it had been pretty clear what she expected him to do with them.

Was this a joke?  Did someone actually go out and buy a bunch of gay porn to try to embarrass him?

No, because why would they have told him not to open the box up in front of anybody else.

Kurt looked closer at the magazines and it was clear they weren’t exactly new.  Not like they were…sticky, or anything like that, but they had definitely been flipped through, and the DVD cases were opened.

So, someone gave him their _used_ porn?

Someone had looked at Kurt and thought, hey, he’d probably like to look at my old gay porn, let me leave it for him to find after he gets thrown in the dump…ster.

But how did this person know he’d end up in that particular dumpster?  One of the things that the football team seemed to enjoy was keeping Kurt on his toes about when and where they’d appear, surrounding him and herding him towards the dumpster of the day.  And as far as he could tell, even those guys didn’t know where they were going to strike until they got directions from Puck.

…

Puck.

\---

Kurt hovered in the doorway of a classroom near the choir room, waiting for Puck to appear.  Luckily Puck was almost the last one to arrive, so Kurt didn’t have to worry about an interruption by anyone but Mr. Schue.  Kurt hopped out and blocked his path, receiving an annoyed look for his trouble.  Kurt interrupted Puck before he could ask what the hell he was doing, and he shoved the box at Puck, telling him “Thank you, but I won’t be needing this.”

Puck looked at him like he was crazy, opened the box, peeked inside, jumped back with a ‘whoa!’ and hurriedly closed the box again.

“Dude, I don’t want it,” Puck tried to hand the box back to Kurt, who rested his hands on his hips and refused to take it back.

“I don’t know what your game is, but I know you’re the one who left this for me.”

“What the hell makes you think I’m the one who gave this to you?!” Puck waved the box around, looking offended.

“Someone left this for me in the dumpster,” Kurt said confidently.  “ _You_ pick the dumpster each morning.  _You_ made sure to toss me in with my bag this morning, so I’d have something to hide the box.  _You’re_ the one who makes so many ‘that’s so gay’ remarks that I’ve wondered about your sexuality—”

“My sexuality is doing just fine without you worrying about it,” Puck made a point of opening his hands and letting the box drop to the floor.  “Have fun whacking it.”

Puck turned to enter the choir room when he realized Rachel was eavesdropping on their conversation from just inside the doorway.  Her eyes widened when she saw he’d noticed her, and she quickly scurried away.

\--

Puck watched Rachel throughout practice, seeing her attention torn between him, Kurt, and that damn box.  He’d never seen her pay so little attention in glee—even when she sang her inevitable solo, it felt like she was singing to them the way she kept looking between them.  When they were all dismissed, Puck cornered her before everyone was even finished filing out.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Puck hissed.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Rachel tried to act indignant, but her voice was too light, too squeaky to be believable.

“Bullshit,” Puck rolled his eyes when Rachel flinched at the curse.

“I left the box for Kurt, okay?” Rachel crossed her arms over her chest and pouted at Puck’s reaction to her good deed.  “My dad made my other dad get rid of a bunch of old _things_ he had laying around, and I understand the importance of recycling, so I thought Kurt would enjoy them.”

“And you thought, ‘hey, he’ll enjoy them even more if he thinks Puck left them for him’?”

“Um, no, you’re totally not his type,” Now Rachel looked confused, “And why would he think it was from you?”

“Because _I_ pick the dumpster to put him in, and yeah, how did you even know which dumpster to put it in?”

“You scout them,” Rachel stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, looking impatient when she had to elaborate.  “Every morning, you go around and look at all of the dumpsters, laugh when you’ve found the one that _I suppose_ is most disgusting, go inside to drop off your book bag, and then come back later to throw somebody in.”

“But it’s not like we pick on Kurt every day.  What if we’d put Ben Israel in there?”

“Yesterday, Kurt told Mercedes he’d be wearing his new hot pink trench coat.  It was pretty clear he was going in today,” Rachel made her disapproval of Puck’s predictable behavior clear. “I just slipped the box in there when you went inside.”

Puck shook his head and started to walk away, but Rachel rushed up beside him.

“He can’t know I gave them to him, it’s too weird,” Rachel pleaded with her eyes.

“And it’s not weird for him to think that I gave them to him?!”

“Look at it as an opportunity to show him you’re not a gigantic jerk,” Rachel rested her hand over Puck’s heart.  Puck knocked it away. “Puck, please, it’s not like he’s going to ask you to be his boyfriend because he thinks you did one nice thing.”

“That _nice thing_ was a box of porn.  What kind of message would it send you if Santana slipped a bunch of lesbian porn into your locker?”

“I’d assume she was sexually harassing me for the amusement of her peers.”

“And if she left a note for you, telling you not to look at her little gift with anyone else around?  Wouldn’t that kind of hint that she wanted the two of you to have a _secret_?”

Rachel pouted as she walked beside Puck, keeping silent for longer than Puck had ever heard her keep silent.  All it did was leave Puck to freak out about the potential consequences of what he’d seen when he looked into the box.

“I’m pretty sure that those DVDs were open, so he probably thinks I watched them.  What if he tells Mercedes I gave him a box of used porn?  Fuck, he’s probably told her already, the whole school is going to think I’m giving him little gifts and trying to help him get off.”

“Puck, you know, despite your obsession with your body and your gay-friendly piercing, most people in this school would look past your unfortunate tendency to use the word ‘gay’ in a derogatory manner, your tendency to view Kurt as a target, and the other tell-tale signs of repressed homosexuality, and only see all of your female conquests as proof that you have absolutely no sexual interest in Kurt.”

“Yeah, well…they better,” Puck grumbled, leaving Rachel behind to feel satisfied with his unspoken agreement to let Kurt believe what he would.

\---

Puck was pulling his American History textbook from his locker, after learning from Matt and Finn that there was an open book test in class that day, when a folded rectangle of paper fell out of his locker.

He knew who’d left the note in his locker as soon as he opened it.

_Everyone in Tan Party looks like you.  If you got off to that, you’re more conceited than I previously thought._

Okay, Puck wouldn’t tell Kurt that Rachel had given him that stuff, but he couldn’t just let him keep thinking it was from Puck.

\---

Kurt was reviewing lyrics for the glee club’s latest weekly assignment when a familiar piece of folded paper dropped into his lap.  Kurt glanced up, but Puck wasn’t looking at him as he kept walking.

**Not. From. Me. & stop thinking about me when u get off, perv.**

\---

Puck watched from his seat at the end of the front row, as Kurt opened a pen and scribbled an angry reply.  It took about ten minutes for Kurt to find an excuse to walk across the room and slip Puck the note, as he pretending he needed to ask Mr. Schue a phrasing question about the song.

_Re-read what I wrote.  I said nothing to indicate that I was thinking of you when I got off._

\---

Puck’s reply was immediate, and he pretended to push Kurt playfully as a disguise when he handed it back.

**_I c ur not denying that u got off tho.  Couldn’t wait 2 put that box of goodies to use?_ **

\---

Puck saw Kurt write a response, but the other boy didn’t come over to deliver the note, so this time Puck was the one to cross the room and sit next to Kurt, loudly asking for his help and saying there was a lack-of-slushie in it for him, while slyly picking up the note.

_Are you seriously using text-speak in a handwritten note?_

**_I can’t believe I came all the way over here for that._ **

_What did you expect?  An elaborate review of every item in the "box of goodies’ (as you put it)?_

_**I’m glad I’m not the one who gave u that box.  I’d be offended that ur acting like u don’t like it.** _ ****

_Once again, re-read what I wrote.  I never said I didn’t like it.  As you pointed out…I got off._

_**I re-read what u wrote, and u also didn’t exactly deny thinking about me.** _ ****

_Neither did you.  Like I said: conceited!_

_**Whatever, I’m hot.  If I’m gonna get off on a guy, it might as well be me.** _ ****

_And I’m supposed to be the weird one?  You are so screwed if you ever find out you have a long-lost twin, or somebody invents reliable cloning technology.  (Pun intended.)_

_**There was a pun in there? All I saw was u fantasizing about being the meat in a Puck sandwich.  No wonder u didn’t want those mags-- u knew u’d just be thinking about me anyway.** _ ****

_Yes, because when I have pictures and DVDs of hot naked men having sex, instead of thinking about them, I would rather think about you._

_**Knew u’d admit it eventually.** _ ****

_I’ve had plenty of chances to see you with your clothes off—you’re not exactly shy—but I’ve never looked.  You might want to take that as a hint._

_**If u had looked, it’d b the only thing u needed.** _ ****

_I’m ending this little exchange before you say something you regret, or I say something that makes you have a big gay freak out._

_**What do u think I’m going 2 say?  Or is it what ur going to say? Ur dying 2 ask me for a pic aren’t u?** _ ****

_See, this is what I mean.  There is no way for me to answer that.  What would you do if I said yes?  You can joke all you want about me wanting you, but if you really thought I wanted you, you’d completely freak out._

_**That doesn’t make sense.  You think I gave you that box, you seem to think I get off on guys who look like me, but then you think I’d beat you up for liking me or something.** _ ****

_So, that’s what it takes to make you stop the text speak?_

_**You calling me a homophobe who would freak out because you like me?  Yeah.** _ ****

_**Just cuz I call u gay (which u r) doesn’t mean I h8 u 4 it.  Only thing I’ve got against u is ur a giant geek with weird clothes.** _ ****

_Gee, thanks, what a modern free-thinker.  The only thing I’ve got against you is you’re a complete jerk who thinks it’s okay to act that way because of his looks. (The lack of text speak really helps me like you a lot more though.)_

_**I don’t act the way I act because of how I look.  Look at the rest of the douchebags who slush you and toss you in the trash.  Bunch of uggos.** _ ****

_I can’t believe I just laughed at the word “uggos.”_

_**I’m an entertaining guy.  It’s part of my awesome.** _ ****

_Far be it for me to argue with you on the subject of your awesomeness.  We do have to get up and work on this dance soon though…_

**_Yeah, we’ll finish discussing my awesomeness later.  Don’t call me when you’re going through your box though—I’m not THAT much of a modern free-thinker._ **

Kurt couldn’t help but smile as he copied the cell number that Puck wrote at the bottom of the note into his phone.


	2. One Man's Trash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Puck and Kurt text each other about porn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sequel to [One Man’s Trash](http://casatthedisco.livejournal.com/2761.html). Second in the _Trash and Treasure_ ‘verse. X-posted to [](http://community.livejournal.com/puckurt/profile)[puckurt](http://community.livejournal.com/puckurt/).  I lost the entire ending to this because I’m an idiot, and I’m left with this feeling that I lost a bunch of stuff on the re-write :(.

Puck was throwing grapes at his little sister’s head, trying to distract her from whatever Nickelodeon sitcom she’d put on when she hijacked the TV, when his cell phone vibrated, alerting him to a text message he’d received from a number he didn’t recognize.  He snorted, knowing exactly who it must be—Kurt had probably been staring at his number all day, just wanting to use it.  He hadn’t even lasted five hours.  
  
_Hey, Puck_  
_**  
Sup?**_  
_  
I’m going through my box!_  
  
Puck surprised himself when laughed at that, causing his sister to look over and become much less interested in her show, and much more interested in what Puck was doing.  Puck typed out a quick response before throwing another grape and hitting her on the nose.  
  
_**Weirdo**_  
  
Luckily for Puck, the conversation ended there; because his mom arrived three minutes later and made him spend the rest of the night clean up the mess of squashed grapes he’d made on the living room floor, walls, and furniture.  
  
She took care of cleaning up his sister.  
  
\---  
  
It was only as Puck was about to go to bed that he thought to check whether Kurt had texted him back.  He hadn’t, but since he had his phone open anyway, Puck thought it would be funny to screw around with the kid before he went to bed.  
  
_**U went str8 4 Tan Party didn’t u?**_  
  
_Text speak._  
  
Of course.  It was the middle of the night, a hot guy was sending him a text about porn, and Kurt Hummel was worried about his grammar.  If Kurt expected to ever get into some guy’s pants he was really going to have to loosen up, but whatever, it wasn’t Puck’s job to school Kurt on getting laid.  As far as Puck was concerned, Kurt already thought Puck had done way too much in service of him getting off.  Puck decided to be a smart-ass about his response, even if it did take an annoyingly long time to type out, and even if he had to double-check the definition of a word.  
  
_**Good evening, Mr. Hummel.  Upon arriving at your abode, did you or did you not immediately begin perusing the periodical dedicated to tan young men who bear a resemblance to me?**_  
  
_Sorry, I can’t offer a proper response, I’m too busy deciding whether I’m more surprised that you know the word “abode” than I am that you know the word “perusing.”_  
  
_**You’re trying so hard to dodge my question it’s hilarious.**_  
  
_If you must know, I watched the DVDs._  
  
_**Both of them? O_o**_  
  
_I was bored.  
  
And I’m a very audio-visual person.  Moving pictures speak to me.  
  
Don’t judge me!!!  
  
_**_Whatever, dude, go for it._**  
  
Puck thought for a moment before sending another message.  
  
**_Why don’t you just whack it to dudes on the Internet if you’re so eager?_** _  
  
I am not EAGER.  
  
And Internet histories are forever; I’d rather not leave those kinds of trails.  
  
**When’s it ever gonna come up?**  
  
I’d just prefer not to take the risk.  
  
**Such a waste, man.  The internet was MADE for porn.**  
  
You’re making me want to watch Avenue Q.  
**  
?**  
  
Google “The Internet Is For Porn” and listen to the song.  
**  
I’m in bed, I don’t have my computer on.**  
  
Why are you texting me from bed?  Are you trying to sext?  
  
If you are, you’re not doing a very good job.  
  
**Dude, I know reverse psychology when I read it.  You’re not getting me to sext with you.**  
  
I don’t want you to!  
  
**Reverse. Psychology.**  
  
I’m changing the subject._  
  
Puck waited, expecting Kurt to send another text about some completely random subject, but it took awhile for another text to come through, and when it did the subject matter hadn’t exactly changed.  
  
_Although, I think YOU’RE trying to use reverse psychology to make it seem like I’m the one who wants to talk about this stuff, even though you’re the one who keeps bringing it up.  
  
**Whatever.**  
  
Really?  That’s your comeback?  
**  
What do you want me to say?  Sex talk makes you uncomfortable, which makes me laugh.**  
  
Why doesn’t sex talk make YOU uncomfortable?  
  
**Seriously?**  
  
Okay, why doesn’t sex talk with ME about GAY SEX make you uncomfortable?  
  
**Thanks for putting that in all caps. (I’m rolling my eyes at you right now.)**  
  
Still waiting for an answer.  
  
**Because I’m a stud.  I could talk about boning the elderly and be cool about it.**  
  
That is disgusting.  
  
**Some people would say that about the things YOU’RE into.  I’m not so judgmental.**  
  
**Doesn’t mean I want to do those things though, so don’t get your hopes up.**  
  
My hopes have nothing to do with you.  
  
**Keep telling yourself that.**  
  
Whatever.   I need to pick out my outfit for tomorrow.  
  
**What are you wearing?**  
  
Hanro Society Classic Pajamas.  They’re perfect. I generally disapprove of school-organized theme-days, but I would appreciate a pajama day if it meant a chance to show them off.   
**  
What are you wearing TOMORROW?  (Why would I care what you’re wearing now?)**  
  
Why would you care what I’m wearing tomorrow?  
  
**Cuz if you wear something badass tomorrow,  you stay out of the dumpster.**  
  
Don’t toy with me, Puckerman.  
  
**I’m not, so go ahead and impress me.  
  
, Hummel.**  
  
What do you even consider badass?  Ripped jeans and an old faded shirt?  
  
**Not MANLY badass.  YOU badass.**  
  
I’m plenty manly.  
  
**I’ve seen you try to pull off manly.  Doesn’t work.**  
  
Fine, what’s “me” badass?  
**  
I don’t know.  Leather, corset, heels.**  
  
What am I, a dominatrix?  Should I accessorize with a whip?  
  
**You come to school with a whip, I guarantee no one will mess with you.  
  
Ohmigod PLEASE come to school with a whip.**  
  
That is not going to happen.  
  
**:(**  
  
You know, the last time I wore a corset to school, I had to take it off after 2nd period because you squirted mustard all over it.  
  
**You still looked badass  ;)**  
  
Do not emoticon wink at me when I’m mourning clothing that you have ruined.  
**  
Did I really ruin it?**  
  
Not really, I still have it.  
  
**Okay, so corset, leather, and heels.**  
  
I don’t appreciate the assumption that I own heels.  
  
**I’ve seen you in them!**  
  
I wore heels for Gaga, and they were murder on my feet.  You want me in heels, buy me a pair.  
  
**Like I’d buy you anything.  You’d just bitch that they didn’t cost $200.**  
  
Aw, you think $200 shoes are expensive.  That’s adorable.  
**  
Snob.**  
  
I’m not a snob.  I didn’t complain about the box of used porn that wasn’t even tailored to my tastes.  
  
**Are you shitting me?**  
  
Well THAT’s a classy expression.  
  
**I’m damn classy.  And it’s a box of gay porn, how is that not what you’re into?**  
  
I’m not having this discussion with you.  
  
**Then how am I going to know what kind of porn to get you?**  
  
Why would you keep doing that?!  
  
**Maybe I’m trying to show you what a nice, understanding guy I am.**  
  
It’s not working, it just feels like you’re trying to get in my pants.  
**  
If I wanted in your pants, I would’ve been in there months ago.**  
  
Gee, thanks.  I’m not actually THAT hard up, I do have standards.  
  
Do NOT make a “hard up” joke.  
  
**:D  
  
:( I don’t meet your standards?**  
  
Don’t worry, it’s mostly because my standards now include “gay.”  
  
Or “bi.”  
  
Or “bi-curious and not likely to be a jerk when he realizes he’s straight.”  
  
**Okaaaaaaaaay.  
  
What size shoes do you wear?**  
  
11  
  
Wait, why????!!!  
  
**;)**  
  
I think “nice Puck” worries me more than “throws me in a dumpster Puck.”  
  
**Don’t worry, I’ll still throw you in a dumpster.  
  
But only if you’re not badass tomorrow.**  
  
Of course.  
  
I’m thinking steampunk.  Mini tophat, spats on my shoes, and a different corset; this one is leather and velvet, with buckles instead of laces, and kind of a harness situation going on.  
  
**Is it badass?**  
  
Yes, it is quite badass.  
   
**Awesome.**  
  
Yikes!  Do you see what time it is?  Why am I still awake?  You are a bad influence.  I’m going to sleep.  
**  
Night.**  
**  
Don’t dream of me.**  
  
Don’t worry, nightmares are rare for me._  
  
\---  
  
The next morning, Kurt held his top hat to his head as he exited his car, not sure whether to be happy or not that it had been too warm to wear a coat over his outfit.  
  
On one hand, everyone could see the full effect of the pieces he’d put together, which would have been marred by an additional layer because he didn’t have a particularly steampunk-worthy jacket.  On the other hand, he was putting a lot of faith in Puck’s not-quite-a-promise to keep him out of the dumpster if he wore a corset to school again.  
  
In retrospect, it seemed like Puck was setting him up, which would explain why he didn’t seem worried about texting Kurt about gay porn—if Kurt showed the texts to anybody, Puck could explain it away as part of the prank.  Kurt wasn’t going to show any worry though; Puck wanted badass, he’d get badass.  
  
\---  
  
Puck couldn’t keep the smile off of his face when he saw Kurt heading his way.  From a distance, it almost looked like he was wearing a really wide brown leather cummerbund and suspenders, but as he got closer, Puck could see the pale blue velvet that made up the underlying fabric of the corset.  Kurt’s shirt was a white button-up that reminded Puck of the bartenders in the old westerns he used to love watching as a kid, and Kurt’s brown hat had what was maybe a six-inch white feather sticking out of it.  
   
This was the way Kurt Hummel did badass, and it was cute as hell.  
  
Puck could say that.  It was like calling a baby snow leopard cute.  It didn’t mean he wanted to screw the thing; it was just this soft, mini version of something dangerous, and it might scratch your eyes out, but for the most part it was just finding its way in the world and it would probably curl up at your feet if you took care of it.  
  
Oh well, as much as Puck wanted to keep cataloging Kurt’s clothing and comparing him to snow leopard cubs, he’d made Kurt a promise, and he was going to keep it.  So before Kurt got too close, Puck made a point to grab some random nerd and get the guys focused on tossing him in the dumpster so they wouldn’t notice Kurt passing by.  
  
\---  
  
Kurt didn’t get to see Puck’s reaction to his outfit, because he and a few other football players were busy tossing some kid who Kurt didn’t recognize into a dumpster.  
  
When Kurt met up with Mercedes by her locker, she seemed shocked to see him, as he never arrived that early.  Kurt told her that he wanted to get her opinion on his outfit, saying that he wondered if he’d gone too risky.  This conversation somehow devolved into whether Robert Downey Jr. or Jude Law had the better wardrobe in Sherlock Holmes, and Kurt didn’t think about Puck at all that morning until he received a text message during his second period class.  
  
_**badass**_  
  
Kurt let out a high-pitched giggle, causing most of his classmates to look at him like they’d only just noticed he was dressed more outlandishly than usual, while Mercedes and Tina wrinkled their eyebrows at him curiously.  What stood out most though was Rachel’s beaming smile aimed directly his way; she looked disturbingly proud and it was rather unnerving.  
  
\---  
  
Puck hadn’t really expected Kurt to respond to his text, and none of his friends were really in the habit of texting him during the day, so he was kind of surprised when, several hours later, his phone vibrated against his thigh while he was piling potato chips onto his turkey sandwich.  
_  
Just realized how hard it’s going to be to eat while wearing this thing._  
  
Puck looked up, trying to spot Kurt in the cafeteria, but he could only see the top of Kurt’s hat; the rest of him was obscured by Artie and Tina leaning their heads together.  
  
**_What thing?_** _  
  
The corset, of course.  
  
**Worried about spilling something on it?**  
  
I want to assume that you’re joking, but sadly I know that you’re not.  Do you realize how tight this thing is?  I can barely breathe.  
  
**Why didn’t you get a bigger size?**  
  
You are missing the point of a corset.  
  
**Highlighting your boobs?  
  
Kurt?  
  
Did I piss you off because I said you had boobs?  
  
I know you don’t have boobs.  You have a great man-chest.**  
  
Man-chest?  
  
**;)**  
  
ANYWAY, the point of a corset is to mold one’s waistline; comfort is not usually a consideration.  
  
_**_The things you go through to make yourself beautiful._**  
  
Kurt’s response took so long, Puck almost thought he wasn’t going to hear back from him and was about to start sending him another series of texts apologizing for whatever he’d said wrong, even though he had no idea what it was this time.  He’d been having fun with their back-and-forth and didn’t want to be a dick and chase him away.  
  
_This is too weird.  
  
**What?**  
  
Look back at this conversation.  Way too weird._  
  
Puck looked over their conversation.  
**  
_I don’t see anything weird about it.  
  
Other than us talking._** _  
  
You called me “beautiful.”  You don’t think that’s a bit weird?_  
  
Puck had to go back and reread his words again; he hadn’t really thought about what he was saying before typing them out.  This was his problem of course—he said and did things without really thinking.  
_  
**Don’t flatter yourself and get all weird about it.  I wasn’t saying you were hot or anything.**  
  
Perish the thought._  
  
\---  
  
“Kurt, I know I shouldn’t worry about your salad getting cold, but I am getting worried that you’re not eating.  _Again_ ,” Mercedes tapped her foot against Kurt’s shin, trying to draw his attention away from the phone in his lap, which he’d been concentrating on for most of the lunch period.  
  
“My clothes are too tight to eat,” Kurt answered lightly, still paying more attention to his phone than the other students at his table.  
  
“And here I thought you were just too into whoever you’ve been texting all day,” Mercedes said pointedly, making it clear that even if she hadn’t asked him about it, she most definitely wanted to know what was going on.  
  
“Oooh, all day?  Is this why you were so happy in class this morning?” Tina leaned in, suddenly pulling her attention away from Artie, which in turn brought Artie’s attention to Kurt.  
  
“Must be somebody interesting,” Artie chuckled, amused that Kurt still hadn’t looked up from his phone.  
  
“Sadly, no, it’s just Puck,” Kurt hit send on his response. _Perish the thought._  
  
“Puck?” Tina and Artie asked at the same time, while Mercedes asked the more thorough question, “Why are you texting Puck?”  
  
Finally, Kurt looked up and realized that all of his friends were watching him.  His eyes focused in on his best friend’s curious face, and realized that he didn’t really have an appropriate answer besides, ‘He gave me a box full of pornography, and I like arguing with him when it doesn’t lead to the ruination of my wardrobe.’  
  
The silence at the table made the vibration of his phone audible to all of his friends as Puck sent a response.  Kurt was nothing if not surprised when Rachel came to his rescue.  
  
“I think it’s admirable of Kurt to use his makeover skills for good; if he can help Puck become less of a jerk, the entire club will benefit.”  
  
For the second time that day, Kurt was worried about Rachel’s motivations.  Did she know something about what was going on?  She did have two gay dads—what if Puck was secretly gay and had gone to Rachel for advice on how to woo Kurt?  Kurt giggled at the idea; Puck would’ve just stripped down and told Kurt to come and get it before turning to Rachel for advice.  She had that glimmer in her eyes though; she definitely knew something, so Kurt figured he might as well take advantage of her assistance.  
  
“Thank you, Rachel, I think personality makeovers fall under my area of expertise.”  
  
Finn was squinting, looking between Kurt and Rachel as if they were speaking another language.  “Puck…agreed to this?”  
  
The others didn’t seem to buy it either, as Artie pointed out, “He threw you in a dumpster yesterday.”  
  
 “Which is why part of his makeover will consist of weaning him off of such undesirable behavior,” Kurt turned his attention to his phone, both hoping to put an end to the topic of conversation, and curious about the text he still had yet to read.  
  
“Mm hmm,” Mercedes mumbled, obviously not satisfied with Kurt’s response.  Kurt debated with himself for a moment before deciding to call her later and tell her about Puck’s little present.  It would be nice to hear what she thought.  He’d wait until after glee though, he didn’t want her eyeing Puck up with that newfound knowledge so fresh in her brain.  She’d surely be looking for any sign that Puck was either coming on to Kurt or trying out some kind of elaborate harassment.  
  
Reading Puck’s texts though, he knew he wasn’t going to share what they actually discussed—he really wasn’t sure what to think of the conversations himself, and he was kind of worried that Mercedes would convince him that he should not be participating in them.  It was like hearing that Diet Coke was bad for him—he didn’t want to know.  
  
**_It’s ok, we’ll find you someone who thinks you’re hot._**  
  
Oh no, this would not do.  Kurt could not even imagine the disaster that would unfold should Puck get it in his mind to find someone interested in Kurt.  Puck would probably carry his picture around a bar and give Kurt’s number to the first skanky guy who asked for it.  
  
_WE will do no such thing.  
**  
Fine, I’LL find him.  You just keep watching those movies and learn what you need to make some gay boy very happy.**  
  
There are only 2 movies there, and I get bored easily, so you’d better work fast.  
  
I don’t know why I wrote that.  I do NOT want you helping me in this department.  
  
**;)**  
  
Stop winking at me! _  
  
Kurt was getting flustered, he couldn’t have exchanges like this with all of his friends sitting there, not when they’d see him blush and know it was because of something Puck wrote.  Kurt started to put his phone away, stopping only to check Puck’s latest response, and then putting his phone in his bag.  
  
**_:(_**

 


	3. Two Men’s Trash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Puck and Rachel go shopping…for porn…for Kurt…because _that_ ’s a good idea.  Meanwhile, Mercedes thinks Puck and Kurt are having a torrid affair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sequel to [Another Man’s Treasure](http://casatthedisco.livejournal.com/2846.html). Third in the _Trash and Treasure_ ‘verse. X-posted to [](http://puckurt.livejournal.com/profile)[puckurt](http://puckurt.livejournal.com/). For those not familiar with Wet Hot American Summer, this is the scene that’s mentioned: <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hsjyb3Ko9U>.  And while I made up the magazines and videos in the first part, I thought it would be fun to use real products from now on, so if something interests you, it’s available online. ;) 

**Spoilers:** Season 1 Episode 8 “Mash-Up,” and 18 “Laryngitis”

Puck and Kurt had somehow fallen into the habit of texting each other absurdly often throughout the day, and Puck was becoming spoiled.  Having someone who would text back and forth with him all day meant having a distraction from class lectures, and given the choice between paying attention in class or texting with Kurt, Puck’s academic career was out of luck.

Kurt and Santana were the only people he’d met who would text him for hours as long as he kept it going.  With Santana it was hit or miss whether he’d receive an initial response, but Kurt didn’t decide seemingly at random whether he wanted to do so or not on any given day.  If Puck sent Kurt a text, he was pretty much guaranteed hours of conversation, especially if he teased Kurt with something that could be read as sexual.  
  
**_You know I’m a photographer, right?_**

_Not sure I want to know here this is going._

**_Your outfit’s cool.  I wanna take pictures of it._ **

**_With you in it._ **

_Does that line ever work?  On anybody?_

_**Not a line.  I said I want you IN the clothes.** _

_Still seems like a ploy to get innocent young things with dreams of stardom into your lair._

_**My lair?  I have a crappy two-seater truck and a bedroom between my mom’s and my sister’s.** _

_The world is your lair._

_**Damn straight.** _

_I’m beginning to suspect you’re only interested in me to the extent that I stroke your ego._

_You’re laughing at the word “stroke,” aren’t you?_

_**Looking through my phone to see if I have examples of my work.  I really do take pictures.  I’ll email you some.** _

_Remember what I said about wanting to keep my net history clean?_

**_But your phone records can be as dirty as you want?_ **

_Fuck me gently with a chainsaw…that was a slight oversight on my part, wasn’t it?_

**_!_ **

_You’re scandalized by my cursing, aren’t you?_

**_I’m just sad I got that quote._ **

_“Heathers” is a rite of passage._

**_Suuuuuuuuuuree._ **

**_I need to hear you say “fuck,” I’ll bet it’s hilarious._ **

_I have a feeling I should be offended._

**_Yeah, get offended, get mad, come curse me out._ **

**_Then let me take pictures of you._ **

_What makes you think I’d actually trust you enough to take pictures of me?_

_**What could I possibly do?  It’s a picture of you in an outfit you’re wearing in public.** _

_**I’m not asking you to wear the heels I’m buying for you, or your fancy pjs from last night.** _

Kurt took so long to respond that Puck almost started paying attention to the teacher’s lecture on…whoa, he was in Spanish with Mr. Schue, who was looking at him with his mega-sad-face.  The guy really needed to lighten up—in fact, he should’ve been be smiling because Puck was over here fostering friendships with his fellow glee teammates.  Puck was about to at least pretend to pay attention when his phone alerted him to a new message.

_Sorry, Mercedes saw your last message and got the wrong idea.  Need to talk some sense into the girl.  Talk to you later._

\---

“You’re having a torrid affair with Puck and you didn’t _tell_ me,” Mercedes threw a hand on her hip and started to milk the situation for all the drama it was worth, going so overboard with the dramatics that Kurt could tell she was just indulging in the rare chance to pretend her life was a soap opera.  “Did this start while I was dating him?  Is that why you kept me in the dark?  My boyfriend and my best friend!” She forgot her dramatics for a moment as an inquisitive look crossed over her face,  “Hmm, Puck sure does have a pattern—”

“As entertaining as this bit of insanity is,” Kurt took advantage of her distraction to interrupt before she fell so deep into her theory that he’d never be able to convince her that she was wrong. “I can assure you that Puck and I are not engaging in any _torrid_ behavior.”

“Kurt, I may not have known you long, but I know there’s something you’re not telling me,” Mercedes squinted her eyes as if she’d be able to read Kurt’s mind if she tried hard enough.

“Yes, I’ve managed to go over 24 hours without consulting you about Puck’s incongruous behavior, but I will remedy that after glee,” Mercedes looked at him doubtfully, but let him take her arm and lead her down the hall when he moved to do so.  “It is _really_ not all that interesting, and I want you spending less time thinking about Puck, and more time out-singing Ms. Berry and getting back that solo you missed out on at Sectionals.”

\---

_**You finish telling your girl all your fantasies about me?** _

_Just the ones where you choke on your own ego._

_**Is “your own ego” some gay code for “my cock?”** _

_Did you just insinuate that I fantasize about putting my genitals anywhere in the vicinity of your mouth?_

_**You want to be all up in my vicinity.** _

_Your vicinity wouldn’t know what to do with me._

_**You wouldn’t know what to do with my vicinity.**_  Puck typed, willing to get as ridiculous with this as Kurt would let him—there was some kind of sick joy to be found in getting Kurt to be as absurd as him.

_I knew there had to be something self-serving about the “presents” you gave me.  You want me talented and trained for when you offer up your vicinity._

_**You wish.  I want you talented and trained for when I find someone else’s vicinity for you.** _

_Okay, this metaphor is getting stretched a bit thin._

_**Whatever.  When I find you a fuck buddy, you’ll know how to make him cream his little gay pants.** _

_You are sooooooooo tactless.  Your entire plan probably consists of pulling my pants down in the middle of a gay bar and seeing who comes running._

**_Well, you’d look desperate if you pulled your pants down yourself._ **

_What is happening to me?  Why did I find that funny?_

 

**_You’re under my wing now, birdie.  I’m a sex shark, and I’m gonna make you into a sex dolphin._ **

_By giving me used porn._

_And speaking of the “used” part of that…where ever did you get it?_

Of course, the conversation had to eventually come back around to the thing that started this all: Rachel’s re-gifting of her daddies’ porn, which Kurt was attributing to Puck. 

**_Fell off a truck._ **

_If only I had the capacity to describe the face I’m making right now.  I’ll settle for pointing out that my eyebrow is raised incredulously._

Puck didn’t completely get what that meant; he’d look it up later.

**_Big. Gay. Pink. Truck._ **

**_Ran on glitter and eye shadow._ **

_Sounds tacky._

\---

It wasn’t until Kurt was explaining things to Mercedes after glee that he realized he’d never gotten a straightforward answer about where Puck had gotten the porn.

“He left a box of dirty magazines for you in the dumpster, threw you in so you could find them, never explained where he got the magazines from, and then started sexting you all day and night?”

“You make it sound so vulgar and suspicious,” Kurt rolled his eyes, keeping his voice light and airy, “It’s not even sexting, he’s just Puck being Puck.  He can’t read a grocery list without it sounding sexual.”

Mercedes waggled her eyebrows in an imitation of Puck, “ _Sausage_.”

Kurt deepened his voice, smirking his best Puck-like smirk, “ _Melons_.”

“ _Whipped_ _Cream_."

“ _Tide with bleach_.”

Kurt and Mercedes both descended into giggles until Mercedes shook it off.

“I’ll give him this: the man lives up to his self-proclaimed status as a sex shark.”

Kurt frowned slightly at his best friend’s use of the sex shark phrase that Puck had used earlier, “He said he’s training me to be a sex dolphin.”

“Because dolphins,” Mercedes started, and Kurt finished the sentence with her as they smiled and nodded at each other, “are gay sharks.”

 “He’s actually been tolerable since I accepted his…peace offering,” Kurt admitted.

“A peace offering of his old porn?” Mercedes tilted her head, obviously unimpressed with Puck’s methods.

“It’s not his, Mercedes, he just…obtained it…somewhere.”

“Alright, you just be sure to take some pictures of the pyramids for me.”

“Did you just make a terribly dated de-Nile pun?”

“And I’ll keep making ‘em until you admit Puck is trying to find his way into your Donna Karens.”

Kurt looked down at his pants, tutt-tutting at Mercedes for her fashion mistake, “Any ground that you would have made in convincing me that you’ve seen something more to Puck’s behavior has been destroyed by your failure to see that these are Calvin Klein.”

\---

Rachel had stopped flinching instinctively each time she saw Puck approaching with a slushie, but since she didn’t know if there had been further fall out from her donation, she scrunched her face up when Puck headed her way with a slushie in hand.  Things had seemed fine when he and Kurt were texting each other, but if things went _too_ well, there was always the chance that Puck would blame her for Kurt getting a crush on him or something.

“W’sup, Berry?” Puck shoved the grape slushie at her, and Rachel was relieved to see that the drink remained upright and she remained free of freezing syrupy liquid.  Rachel reached out tentatively, taking the slushie away from Puck and waiting for him to get to his reason for approaching her. “I need you to get more DVDs from your dads.”

“What?!” Rachel looked around the crowded hallway, shocked by Puck’s lack of discretion.  She grabbed Puck by the hand and pulled him into a quiet corner before confirming what she’d heard.  “You want me to get you more of my dads’ DVDs?”

“There were only two videos in there, and Kurt doesn’t believe in Internet porn—he says Internet histories can never be hidden.  I told him I’d get him more.”

“And you expect me to get them from my dads?”

“You’re the one who was all about recycling.”

“It’s not recycling when somebody is still using it—oh my God what am I saying—you know, I’m beginning to get a clearer picture of your lack of respect for other peoples’ property.”

Puck just looked at her blankly.

“Here’s a novel idea: you could buy him something yourself,”  Rachel’s eyes lit up with an idea as she drew in a breath, “Noah…it would be like a symbolic gesture of acceptance and respect for his specific interests and needs.”

“Um no.  See, I joked about that—”

“Yes, trust me, it’ll be great,” Rachel was in full planning mode, eyes unblinking as she shared her brilliance, jabbing a finger in the air to accentuate her points, “The first box was full of recycled material; I only knew of one person who would be interested in the contents in general, so I didn’t factor in Kurt’s specific preferences.  At the time, that worked well as a gift from you, because you had not yet taken the chance to get to know him.  But now that you’ve been interacting, it would make sense for you to acknowledge the progress you’ve made by getting him material tailored to his interests.”

“Uh…I don’t _know_ his interests.

“Which is why _I_ will be going with you to pick out your next gift,” Rachel smiled a tooth-bearing grin, “I know what he likes.  _Your_ job will be finding a store willing to sell to two teenagers.”

“That—I’ve…already got that,” Puck stuttered, unsure of what had just happened.

Puck was going to spend an afternoon shopping for gay porn with Rachel Berry.

\---

Mercedes had made Kurt paranoid about Puck’s intentions, so Kurt was stopping himself from sending the text he so wanted to send to the other boy.

It didn’t stop him from wondering why in the hell Puck wasn’t texting him though.

\---

The entire trip to the adult store, Rachel was grinning from Puck’s passenger seat and as they exited the car and headed for the store, Puck finally broke down and asked what the hell her deal was.

“I’m happy because I made _Kurt_ happy,” Rachel crossed her arms.  “My considerate behavior brought the two of you together.”

“Well stop grinning, you look like a psycho.  And we’re not _together_.”

Rachel pressed her lips together and seemed to consider her words before speaking, “Then I’m glad that you’ve taken an interest in somebody outside of the desire to sleep with them…even if that interest involves the other person’s sex life.”

Before Puck could point out to Rachel that she’d started this whole thing with her own interest in Kurt’s sex life, she handed him a bullet-pointed list written on pink notebook paper:

  * _Football players_
  * _Dark hair_
  * _Tall?_
  * _Young as possible (so he can relate!)_
  * _Not too hairy_
  * _Likely open to all ethnicities_
  * _High production values_



“When buying somebody a gift, I observe their likes and dislikes and I make a list.  For instance, I’ve already purchased several plaid button-up shirts for Finn’s birthday.”

“His birthday is in five months…,” Puck looked at her disbelievingly from the corner of his eye as they walked through the parking lot.

“That’s not the point,” Rachel glared up at Puck, obviously under the impression he’d been insinuating that her behavior was abnormal (which he was).  However, she returned to her usual goal-oriented self when they entered the store. “We’ll start by looking for one with football players.”

“Why would he be into that?” Puck hesitated as he and Rachel approached the gay section of the store, eyes roving over countless covers displaying half (and entirely) naked men.  “The football team throws him in the dumpster every morning."

“Yes, I know,” Rachel said sharply,  “It doesn’t mean that Kurt doesn’t have a type.”

Puck glanced down at the list Rachel had handed him, “Why not just write ‘Finn’ and be done with it?”

Rachel just glared again, “Because Kurt has clearly moved on.”

Puck let the matter drop, but he made sure she got a good view of him rolling his eyes.

After a few minutes of browsing, the title 'Jock Strap” caught Puck’s eye.  When he looked closer, he saw the words “Did someone say ‘tight end’?” and realized that this was a football-themed flick.  He was kind of surprised that he’d actually found something from Rachel’s list so quickly, and he wondered if he had some kind of porn-dar.  The cover featured two guys, one of whom was wearing the bottom half of a football uniform, while the other guy leaned against him.  The one in the gear was blond, which wasn’t on Rachel’s list, but the other one had dark hair, and the guys in all of the smaller pictures had dark hair.  Puck figured it was probably good enough.

He flipped the DVD and there were names of a bunch of guys listed—even though he shouldn’t have expected it, it was still weird not to see any female names.  Puck snorted at the name ‘Johnny Thrust,’ imagining himself going by the name ‘Pucky Thrust’ before moving on to read the description on the back cover.

 

> _The story of five hunky cock-happy footballers who pull together to save their asses...on the field and off. And after their star quarterback gets abducted by horny survivalists, a lot more than the game's at stake!_

Okay, that was way too damn complicated; why not just have everyone get together in the locker room and bang?  Rachel did write “high production value,” and that weird ass plot probably meant that the people who made the video gave enough of a damn to make the thing look decent.  It looked like it had potential, but just to be sure, Puck showed the video to Rachel, figuring she’d know better than he would if it fit the requirements on the list since she wrote the thing.

Once Rachel approved of his find and handed him two DVDs she’d selected, Puck found his attention drifting to some of the store’s other wares.

“Whoa, this kit lets you make a copy of anybody’s—.”

“We won’t be needing that,” Rachel directed Puck away from the Clone-A-Willy Dildo Kit.

Puck snorted.  She was probably worried Puck would convince Finn to make a replica as some kind of second prize for Kurt.  He probably would too, if Puck convinced him that it was his duty as a friend or something.  It would be such a waste though; if they were going to make a replica of anybody, it might as well be of Puck—he was the stud here.

Puck’s train of thought was derailed when he spotted a blue vibrator shaped like a dolphin, “Heh, I think Brittany has this one.”

“Too much information!” Rachel steered him away, but there was something to catch his interest everywhere he turned.

“Awesome, this one has a handle—it looks like a dick sword!

“I’m starting to think this was like letting a drug addict loose in a pharmacy,” Rachel shook her head as Puck took a closer look at a clear package marked ‘Anal Starter,’ examining the mint green dildo inside.

“Hey, this is only $9.99,” his face conveyed what a great deal he thought this was.

“No,” Rachel said firmly.

“D’you think he has one already?”

“Noah,” Rachel placed a hand over the hand that Puck was using to hold onto the package, eyes wide as she tried to impress her message to him, “It’s one thing to give him something to _look_ at, it is majorly different to buy him _sex toys_.”

“I think he’ll like it,” Puck nodded to himself, ignoring Rachel’s horrified expression.  Kurt would have probably liked the color red better, but he didn’t really have to look at the thing, right?

Rachel stood there with her arms crossed, watching him silently for a few moments, “Is this stuff secretly for you, Puck?”

It was Puck’s turn to look horrified, “Why the hell would I bring you with me for that?”

“To give the store clerk the impression that you’re indulging in your girlfriend’s homoerotic fantasies?”

Puck couldn’t think of a clever reply, so he pretended he hadn’t heard her over the sound of his complete concentration on reading the package specifications.  ‘4.5 inches insertable length.’  Was that a little or a lot for ass-play?  Puck shrugged and pulled the package off of the shelf, disregarding Rachel’s warnings regarding gift-giving etiquette.

Rachel threw her hands up in disbelief and stormed off as best as she could within the tiny store.  Satisfied that he’d gotten enough for Kurt, Puck entertained himself by looking for the craziest products he could find.

“Hehe.  _SnugglePuss_ ,” Puck chuckled, stopping short as he saw Rachel trying to be discrete about eyeing a cock ring that supposedly prevented premature ejaculation.  Puck took pity on her (and Finn), walked over, reached in front of her, pulled one off the rack, and handed it to her.

Rachel just looked at him with her mouth hanging open.

Puck shrugged, “I’m in a giving mood.”

“We don’t _need_ this,” Rachel waggled it at him, looking more embarrassed than she had after any slushie facial, “We don’t even—I can’t give him this!”

“Hey, I’m drawing the line at Kurt—.”

“I don’t want _you_ to give it to him!” Rachel screeched, drawing the attention of the clerk and the one other customer in the store.  She lowered her voice, self-consciously “Actually, given your history of indiscretions, I don’t believe it would be a good idea to tell Finn that I’ve been doing this kind of shopping with you.”

“Then tell him it came in the mail by mistake,” Puck didn’t bother trying to hide his annoyance, “Tell him it’s for decoration; tell him whatever you want, just give him the damn thing.”

Rachel grimaced, realizing she was dating someone who would actually believe that it was for decoration, “I don’t think Finn would appreciate me discussing this with you.”

Puck flicked the cock ring she was still holding in the air, “Ask him how he feels about it when he makes it through a make-out session without ruining his shorts.”

In the end, Rachel bought the cock ring, Puck bought the anal starter and three DVDs, and they stopped off at a drug store on the way home when Rachel suggested that it would be considerate for Puck to buy some form of lubricant if he expected Kurt to make use of all of his gifts.

\---

For the first time in a long time, Kurt’s face expressed disbelief when he was tossed into a dumpster.  Sure, Puck had sent him a text the night before, telling him to ‘save his fancy outfits for after first period,’ but he had kind of hoped that once Puck realized how completely fabulous Kurt really was, he’d have decided that the boy had no place anywhere near garbage.

Stupid bipolar jock.

Kurt rolled himself over when a white box caught his eye.

 **Sorry.  Here’s more.** The box read.

Kurt glared at the box.

\---

_You are insane!_

**_You misspelled “awesome.”_ **

_In the name of all things couture and Broadway, why would you buy me that?!!!!!!!_

**_Did I get the wrong kind?_ **

**There was a silver glittery one that seemed more your thing, but the green one was on clearance.** ****

_So you saw a clearance sex toy and thought of me?_

**_There WAS one with video for “internal viewing action,” but I don’t think even YOU are that vain._ **

_` 0_o ` _

_The next time you get an impulse to buy something that reminds you of me, please DO NOT._

**_You have one already?  Figured you didn’t since you won’t even watch porn online & I can’t see you going into a sex shop._ **

_Of course I don’t have one!_

**_Ok, good._ **

_No, not good.  I don’t want you buying me sex toys because you buying me sex toys means you’re thinking about me using sex toys._

_Which I don’t!_

**_Calm down, drama queen.  It’s not like I gave you anything remote controlled, I won’t have anything to do with it when you actually USE the thing._ **

_I am NOT using that._

**_Waste not, want not._ **

_That is not an appropriate idiom for this situation at all._

**_It totally is._ **

**_You just got idiomed._ **

\---

“This is mortifying!” Kurt made it the entire school day without confiding to Mercedes about this new development—mostly due to embarrassment—but he could not stand to pace around his bedroom (with that thing taunting him!) without talking to _somebody_.  He hadn’t even bothered saying hello when he called her.

“Calm down, boy, what happened?”

“I can’t even.  You have to see it. Except there’s no way I can show you, it’s too embarrassing.”

“Kurt, stop talking,” Mercedes ordered, and Kurt snapped his mouth shut, “Okay, now start talking, but only to tell me exactly what you think is too embarrassing to tell me.”

“Puck,” Kurt took a deep breath, “bought me a…sex toy.”

“He bought you a _wha_ t?!” Mercedes voice hit a note Kurt hadn’t heard from her since she was hopped up on Vitamin D and belting out the final notes of ‘Halo.’  Kurt was swept up in her musical response and felt inspired to do a dramatic reading.

“And I quote, _from the package_ , ‘Doc Johnson Radiant Gems 6 Inch Anal Starter’ Oh my…,” Kurt faltered, “I cannot read the rest of this out loud.  Anal. Starter, Mercedes.  Why would he give this to me?!”

“Maybe he wants you to practice,” Mercedes waited, hearing only silence.  “You’re giving me intense bitch-face over the phone right now, aren’t you?”

He so was.

“Did you _ask_ him why he gave it to you?” Mercedes asked gently, but Kurt could hear the teasing in her tone.

“Of course I _asked_ him!”

“Well, what did he say?!”

“That it was on clearance.  Which, if he’s trying to win me over, is rather unflattering,” Kurt said dryly as he turned the package over and started wondering how far up four and a half inches went— _oh no, this was not happening_.  Kurt dropped the package to his bed, walking away to put some distance between it and his horny teenage self.

“If it freaks you out that much, then just give it back,” Mercedes suggested logically.

“I can’t _give it back_ ,” Kurt scoffed—that was just bad etiquette.  When he’d tried to give back the box of magazines and videos the first time, well, he and Puck weren’t on good terms then.  And, okay, he still threw Kurt in the dumpster this morning, but it was only to give him another gift, so they were on good enough terms that he couldn’t just give back a gift.

Mercedes interrupted Kurt’s internal debate sounding amused, “You used it, didn’t you?”

“Mercedes!”

“Don’t ‘Mercedes’ me, boy, I saw your fingers clenching up into the couch when we watched Wet Hot American Summer.  _You_ want to know what it was like to be Bradley Cooper.”

“Bradley Cooper was not penetrating himself with a piece of plastic that Puck purchased on clearance.”

“A piece of plastic that you don’t want to give back.”

“Puck and I are on extremely tentative ground here, I cannot risk offending him by rejecting his gestures of friendship.”

“Um hmm.  Pharaohs, deserts, Cleopatra.”

\---

As soon as he was off of the phone with Mercedes, Kurt stomped over to his closet, slipped the unopened package back into the paper bag he’d received it in, wrapped it up in a sweater, and stuffed it at the bottom of the messenger bag he’d been using to hide all of these sex-related gifts from his father.

He went about the rest of his evening, acting as if the last few days never happened, and he went to bed feeling very proud of himself.

When he found himself flipping over from side to side at 1:00am, unable to stop wondering what it would feel like, he finally broke down and grabbed the bag out of his closet, feeling pissed at the world.

He looked at the package for all of one second before grabbing a pair of scissors from his night stand, cutting the package open, pulling out the lubricant that Puck had supplied him with, and resolving to never admit anything about this night to anyone ever.

He cursed Puck’s name the entire time.

Even when he was moaning it, he was moaning, _“Fuck, Puck, I hate you so much right now.”_


End file.
